Projecting the 2020 Version of Our Favorite NFL Teams Part I

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The new year is a great time to reflect on the past 365 days and determine areas we can improve (resolutions are hit or miss for me, sometimes they feel so over the top and unachievable and sometimes I’m all about them). Since we just concluded the regular season, it now felt like a great time to look at some teams that could stand to set a few achievable goals in 2020 and where that might take them. Here are our 2020 projections for a handful of NFL teams:

Dallas Cowboys: In 2020, the Cowboys will finally move on from the clapper Jason Garrett, hire a college coach who will inevitably fail, and Jerry Jones will finally be first the coach, GM, and owner of an NFL franchise, his personal resolution.

New England Patriots: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick both decide to walk away after falling short in 2019, clearing the way for Josh McDaniels to finally take the reins before Bill changes his mind and pulls a McDaniels on McDaniels relegating him to Patriots purgatory as all the other coaching vacancies have been filled. Bill fulfills his resolution of sabotaging as many people/teams as possible.

Washington: Ron Rivera resolves to mold Dwayne Haskins into Cam Newton, but the hats just look weird on him.

LA Rams: The Rams succeed in their resolution to have the highest payroll in the NFL, full of superstars, adding another big name this offseason, but it all falls flat as they miss the playoffs once again in 2020…and people begin to, dare I say, question the wunderkind.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags resolve to finally allow Nick Foles to have a full season to showcase his Super Bowl-winning arm since, you know, they have a few dollars invested in him and all, but Jason Mendoza convinces everyone the Mustache is cooler, therefore, the better option.

LA Chargers: The Chargers moved to LA and in 2020 they go full Hollywood, moving on from Phil Rivers and getting younger and prettier. When in Rome!

Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles will rid the locker room of any anti-Carson Wentz guys and surround him with actual, live, able-bodied receivers (drafting, signing, and trading if needed) to get younger and faster and let this offense fly (eagles fly) in 2020. Boston Scott and Dallas Goedert change their first names to Philly and all is well in the city of brotherly love.

Chicago Bears: The Bear’s declare Mitch Trubisky as their QB of the future while working behind the scenes on their real resolution of obtaining Cam Newton from the Panthers. The Bears instantly become a playoff team once again in the NFC, but more importantly, there is finally dancing again in Chicago.

Oakland Raiders: Jon Gruden convinces Eli Manning to come to Vegas for one last hurrah, sacrificing David Carr in the process. The Raiders fail as a football team but score a residency at Caesar’s and people come in droves each night to watch Gruden say Spider-2-Y-Banana. 

Miami Dolphins: Coach Brian Flores smiles in 2020.

NY Jets: Adam Gase pushes his best weapon, Le’Veon Bell, out the door, while he is right there behind him. Gase continues to terrify the NY media, his top priority for 2020, aside from following Darnold around everywhere with hand sanitizer.

Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks focus on O-line in the draft and free agency and for once set a goal of protecting Russell Wilson for a 16-game season. Pete Carroll continues to reverse age Benjamin Button style and out sprints Tyler Lockett down the sideline during a kick return touchdown.

Detroit Lions: The Lions ride the now-healthy Stafford to Golladay connection into a playoff run late in the season, transforming Matt Patricia into an icon. The fans show up to games with backward hats and pencils behind their ears, babies wearing fake beards around town, and Amazon is completely sold out of Ticonderoga #2s.

San Francisco 49ers: George Kittle wins a Super Bowl before leaving football to pursue his true passion for pro wrestling (I’m thinking SmackDown not Raw). Richard Sherman lies one too many times, DC Saleh takes a head coaching job before the season, and suddenly Kyle Shanahan’s cool hats and gameday look are too relaxed and the fans are OUTRAGED.

Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray and Kenyan Drake (RIP David Johnson) become the new version of Mahomes and (insert running back here). Kliff Kingsbury experiences early success leaving many convinced HE is the smartest young coach in the game (Sean McVay, memorize this!).


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